PACMAN . . . and our stressful lives . . .

               I was recently playing this game sitting with one of my friends. I mainly focused on eating tiny ball-kind food escaping the monsters without giving it a thought to eat them too which could have been otherwise so much of fun, which it wasn't the way I was playing it till recently. And believe me, I realized it was so monotonous this way that I could never clear and go beyond the stage 6 . . .
And my friend argued right there saying what fun is it if I m not eating the monsters . . .

Well, you must be wondering as to what is such a great deal about this game and what does the monotony of the game has to do with L.I.F.E . . Believe me, It really does...

              Every single day we are striving hard making way towards our goals not enjoying its tiny deals.. Herein, I consider the ball-kind food as every single stair that we climb up in the series of the steps we have set for ourselves. And the monsters as the tiny great deals, which could be converted into fun if we made a little attempt . . This little attempt would refresh us great enough to prove our worth in better things . . . So, for all the lucky homo-sapiens to get this life, it becomes important for us to enjoy every single moment even if takes a little attempt  and it would definitely be hell productive in exciting ever manners . .

P.S. : Just a thought . .. nothing else in mind for the time being . . .hope it makes sense . . .

Ten reasons : being single can be totally F*$#IN awesome !.!.!

         Being single can be as exciting as all the single women on this earth could ever imagine, and I am sure you would definitely agree with me ;)

Things that I love about it the most :-

1. I can watch a chick flick in total peace instead of going out and getting bored in an action movie. No more whines girls . . . and I am so relieved . .

2. I am allowed to drool over fancy about being with the person I like the most or even James Marsden on an isolated island sitting in my finance classes . . .

3.  Do I really need to wonder, checking out my cell every 36 seconds, why hasn't he texted back ??
Well, No more . .

4. I don't have to worry about giving or seeking explanations for the things that I do or he might be doing . .

5. Admiring another handsome (seemingly single) guy on the dance floor . . . C'mon, I feel free enough to ask him go dancing with me . . That's a separate issue if I don't . . LOL

6. Wondering when will he get time to go out to a pub with me?? Don't need to wait anymore, I would love to catch up with any of my friends . . HUH!!!

7. It's just one thing less about which I would have had to fight with my parents . . .

8. Oh c'mon I love socializing, but not those formal ones with my BF's folks. I can catch with anyone I like talking to.

9. No BF means no icky break-up followed by days of tears and emptying boxes of chocolates.

10. I can be all about M-Y-S-E-L-F, which in turn will make me a better girlfriend when a good guy does come knocking at my front door.

Random thoughts . . .[Part 1]

          Okay basically I m creating a series named "Random Thoughts" in my blog. This is originally going to be a mix of feelings that accompany me whenever, wherever, howsoever and it always makes me feel good about life despite the dark hellish world I am in...

                  "Never love if Ur not prepared to be HURT, never start if you don't intend to FINISH;

            never speak if you don't mean it; never say I love u if u don't FEEL it!"

          "One should never lie about how you feel about someone 

                           just to save them from pain as it can lead to false hope, broken hearts and dreams . . ."

What a trash . . ?!?!?!

"For all the times you stood by me, the truth that you made me see the joy;
you made right every dream, you made it true;
For all the love I found in my life;
you are the one who held me up and never let me down; 
you were my strength when I was weak;
you were my eyes when I couldn't see;
you lifted me up where i couldn't reach;
you gave me wings to fly;
you touch my hand when I could not touch the sky;
you gave faith b'cuz you believed;
I am everything b'cuz you loved me . ."


         While clearing the trash out of my closet, this was a note that I found which you copied from somewhere to show me how much you loved me in return of the 70 pages diary that i had written for you.. Well, i remember every little gift you gave me on certain occasions that, though made me happy(at that time), but always reminded me of what I "OWED" to you, and instead of feeling great about it, I searched for occasions or rather "reasons" to give you back something in return. I remember each one of it not b'cuz you gave them to me, but b'cuz I made it a point that I give them to the creepiest maids ever whom I hated so that they make the worst ever use of it . . .

         Well, when you said I gave you wings to fly, though I always wanted to tell you in return "how about a nice cup of SHUT THE F*#$ UP", but you know what?

         I just gave you a reason enough to improve your own self  which you mistook, what a shame, you don't have those wings anymore, and you lost that chance as well to come out of your own crap to realise what you could have been worth. . .what a creep !!

        Do you even know that those words that you wrote for me skipping your CAT coaching classes have, as a matter of fact, become a source of entertainment for me, and I make it a point now that it's an entertainment to all the people in the world who follow my blog . . ridiculous . . . you really deserve one dude . . take it now . . .

       A.N.D. believe me, all the crap you gave me, it turned out to be the greatest learning for me...BUT all the crap that I, now give you in your subconscious and imaginations, you won't ever get out of them . . .good luck . . .and enjoy this crap throughout your life . . .

       My favorite part of this lesson is : I don't remember when did we start; BUT I wouldn't ever forget the day I ended it all up, exact 1 year + 1 month + 21 days back. . .you know why? B'cuz that was the day I took the best decision of my life . . 


P.S : Dedicated to the ugliest ever, once beautiful, creature in my life . . .

Boys will be Boys...

Well, I'm certain the title reminds you of Backstreet boys at the very first instant. . . NO?? It should...Go on ;)

". . . And my heart; It starts pumpin' . . ." OH!! Really...??

". . .But I try to get closer; And you always push me away. . ."WELL!! Awww,What a disgrace... :D

". . . You tell me it's much too soon; But I just can't help it. . ."
       
         Haha offcourse, Could you please draw your attention from the girls into your head right now (pretty difficult, I understand) and rack your brains a little to get a hang of the longest time span that you took to get attracted to a "chick"(very much in your guy's language) ???


        Well, recently while watching this show on MTV named "Dare to Date", which is a pathetic ever show, came across the postpubescence of a guy who thinks that a date can end only in ONE SINGLE MANNER, that is, either on the girl's bed or on his own bed. . . I mean what the F*$# . . . You know the best part of it is there's no dearth of women to sleep with, but the challenge is to find out the woman you wanna wake up with, I bet. . . I would suggest you guys to hold on to the real things than to chase illusions wherein you bonkers just do craziest ever things to impress a girl..
      I believe all a girl tries to track down in you are your cleanest ever habits(which is the toughest job for you, I'm sure), a good-natured human being and your being genuine. . .Your playing accents makes it evident to her that you're only trying to grandstand yourself which gives a wrong impression . .  ;)
      So, C'mon guys get a life, there are definitely hell loads of better things in this world for you to do . .I hope you ain't feeling offended? ARE YOU?!?!?
("Hell YES") This is the exact reaction I was seeking for, that is, your being natural . . A.N.D it's obvious . . 



      At the end of it , the challenge for you is to find a woman you wanna wake up with . . .Well, not exactly, the challenge is to find a genuine being in yourself and get all the girls out of the illusion-cum-fact that "boys will be boys" . . . Don't you think you might be so much better than what we look at you as?? Well, It's upto you to decide now . .


P.S. : No offense guys, just a thought..

A Silent Apprehension . . .

          Well, there it came an instant feeling to write something for this sweet, cute, smart chap and this chap is a very good friend of mine that i have made recently some about 5 months back..and i call him my guy best friend..
Okay, there i goes…
          We go through different phases in our life step by step meeting different people. Some people just don’t make a difference at all in our lives even after several meetings;and others become a part of it in hardly some meetings or even without any meetings, claiming such huge difference to us gradually that we realize it later when we have to finally face the pain of getting departed.. Still trying to be happy thinking about the great times we spent with them, cherishing each and every part of those moments which is never out of our minds and hearts. We sometimes want to get rid of them too at the thought of the pain we go through, but it somehow gets stored in that corner that it becomes impossible.
          Knowingly or unknowingly, we talk, speak out things and we know that the other person understands it exactly how we meant it, BUT sometimes its always good to pretend DUMB..(I think I am right).. and at the end it feels awesome to share all this with people who don’t even know you like i am doing it. I do not even know who would be reading it further BUT..whatever..
         Okay well, now CT first of all thank you so much for taking pains spending your five minutes reading it AND i need a comment.. hmm, now to start with, CT thank you for all the times you spent with me and further hope to spend, i cherish each and every jiffy of the times i was with you..or rather i should say you were with me. As i always say, you are a lovable guy, no one can ever dislike you, you are one such person who’s ought to be liked by any one he meets like i like you too well there has to be a reason why i am complaisant to anything and everything you say..and you know that, don’t act.. Further, you are so much of a lively person who is never sad in the worst of the times too..*touch wood*and i love being with you. . it was a real short span of time in which you know so much of me that no one does, believe me not even my ex or my girlfriends and vice versa too, i guess.. BUT as you said that may be i am unpredictable, well i am but not with you ofcourse..and i told you i trust you blindly..and i wasn’t kidding CT..
        
There are so many “first times” we have had which are specific to us and I am going to be missing it all, tonssss. . .plus all the funniest moments too. . . . .

Getting the AC on at barista,lolsss;
Sitting in the WIU classes doing nothing actually but seeing the time pass away just in a go;and the library ofcourse;
Bhuttas, chuskis, ego’s, lunches..lolss;
Iceeee paaan too,lolsss;
My balcony and almost all tuesdays;
Your special MY handmade chocolate experience;
all “. . . . ” talks, and the way you said “oooiiiii mummmmaaaaaa” and more..hahaha;
Finding stupid reasons for anything and everything;
and thanks for all the lies you have said because of me..:-)
Also, when you address me with all those lovely names in the best ever tone and i say that i get helpless..
and the best of all, Noida-Rashtrapati Bhawan ride,metro and so much,hun??
and yesss, the salsa dance in which we failed..:(((
   
          I wouldn’t want to mention more here ofcourse, hun??lolsss…Further your songs, road-side junks and so much actually which i will not mention here on purpose..;) and I hate when you talk wierd, you know what “wierd” i am talking about.. Even if that might be the truth at the end, but it hurts to hear all this right on your face, seriously..
          And you know what, there is so much to write and say which i might be scared of, or rather don’t want to bore you anymore.. So, i would end it here saying I would want to convey to you so much more but somethings are better “unsaid”.. the only thing is don’t ever break my trust, you mean a lot to me.. and sorry if i said anything that you din’t like.. just take it all easy..
CTtttttttt….
“we always miss a very special someone in life only for two reasons:
either that person was for sometime with us,
or we always wanted to be with that person;
BUT at the end as i always say:
sometimes the road is less travelled only for a reason”
And ofcourse at the end i dedicate that song to us..”tera mujhse hai, pehle ka nataa koi”

P.S.: dedicated to “CT”== chinatown..

May 13th, ‘09; 11:00 A.M.

There was a time when I thought that those two years were the best days of my life… BUT now I am ready to get over the feeling of regret that makes me feel that I wasted those two years on someone who wasn’t worth.

I am delighted at the thought that I LOVED and LOST which is better than to have never LOVED at all… better than most. . It led me to some difficult phases of life, which taught me to LOVE better and to be LOVED better. . Today, I gladly say that I have learnt to weep with WHOLE HEART like I have always laughed with WHOLE HEART, BUT no more. .

Though, this PAIN IS INEVITABLE but the SUFFERINGS ARE OPTIONAL as per our choice. And it is more PAINFUL when we have to confront the loss of love than the actual loss. I believed that I am strong enough if I am able to hold on this relation but I turned weak as soon as I had to let it go.

AND, Today I am ALL SET,

To SMILE,

 Till you believe m happy;

To LAUGH,

Not to let you see my tears;

And

To let you go in STYLE…

I know it will be killing me-

BUT, now I am ALL SET,

To flush you out of my LIFE..

Because at the end one has to forgive to FORGET and forget, to feel again…and it’s already time for me to feel again..

Renewal of ideas..

There used to be a time when I saw those big grown up girls talking about relations, love, marriage, life and what not and ever since kept pondering how matured these gals were and hated it in those times..also, wondered if i will have my days too..

Well, now it scares me hell lot to believe that yess darling you are a grown up too talking about such stuffs plus your days are not much far away. And thinking if i still hate those grown up talks like I used to when heard others talking about it. The answer is obviously YES(BUT, if its soo,,then why do I talk all this,”big confusion”)… things really get changed with time, basically the idea of thought process gets changed with time..the way of looking at things and much more..

Over the years, i have switched over from my school bag to the laptop bag or those formal carry ons, room mates have been changed, cities are been changed, the proportion of intellectual talks has been increased over the years in comparison to the vellapanti..sooo muchh of it..

Now, finally two of my best friends are getting engaged soon..and I was so excited and happy to know that..BUT wondering if we will ever have those last days of fun and masti back to our life..thinking, given a day full freedom to live life with those frens, I would want to do so much and that will be the best day of my life..(I want to frame up soo many best days in the book of my life)..Our preferances keep changing giving us pain while we ruminate over the things leading us to the feeling of regret which we never thought we will have to do sometime..BUT…

We still live to the fullest..
We still laugh our heart out..
We still cry hell for our pains suffered..
We still can’t live without our families..
We still can’t imagine ourselves without friends..
We still want that someone in our lives..
We still want those secret, dark, silent moments in the balcony..
and soo much more to quote

At the end of it somethings never change..

P.S.: dedicated to two of my best friends…anu and vivek..

“It’s all over..”

“It’s all over.”

YES.. this was the worst ever thought that made me feel so disgusted in life that I have never experienced…

There was a time when,
You took my hand while crossing roads..
And today you left it in the middle of the deep dark hellish land..

There was a time when,
You gave me your hand while I got down the steps..
And today there is no hand when I am stumbling all over step by step ..

There was a time when,
You took my plate giving me yours if I dint like what I ordered..
And today I don’t even feel like having those special orders..

There was a time when,
You guided me through the plaza with your hands on my back..
And today It feels like I am walking on this boulevard that had no end..

B U T sweetheart today “It’s all over..”
There was a time when,
You looked at me with those deep ocean-like eyes all full of love..
And today all I see are tears filled in my eyes..

There was a time when,
You brushed aside that strand off my ears to whisper something..
And today nothing is left to hear..

There was a time when,
We talked all through the night killing sleep..
And today those eyes are awake all night as if an insomniac..

There was a time when,
You called up on that rainy day just to let me know you were missing me..
And today i wonder was that the truth..
because darling today “It’s all over..”

Can’t forget,
First time we met;
First time we kissed;
First time we touched;
First time we fought..
A N D. . .

THAT was the day. . . when we broke off. . .
Honey do you realize “It’s all over..”

Unpleasant tusssle..

OOps…

Guess what??

Shucks..it seemed scary..GOD DAMN..

Again the same feeling..I just wanted to run away from myself, the people around, the world..and enjoy the hell lotttt before getting to know “the TIME was over”…

Well, I just realized I was trying to fight against what my eyes were trying to convey to me…
There was an excitement in them, they wanted to go for it, but I was scared, I tried stopping them, though failed..there was a big round of communication happening between my own conscious which was wide awake and those gutsy eyes which loved to fantasize things and dreaming before I could ever realize it what was
going on..

lets name them. . .

Conscious==”Mr. Dejected a.k.a. Mr. D”
Eyes==”Ms. Courageous a.k.a. Ms. C”
there starts the conversation…

Ms. C : “Can you feel the same way I do?”
Mr. D : “I am Scared..”
Ms. C : “WELL, that’s another issue, but can you feel the same way?”
Mr. D : “Hm, I guess so..”
Ms. C : “guess soo???”
Mr. D : “I mean Yeah..”
Ms. C : :”Ahem, Ahem..*wink*”

*Well, Ms. C acted too mischievous to have made it a point that Mr. D speaks out…Ahh, crappy..*

Mr. D : without an interruption, though irked…”BUT I am scared…”
Ms. C : “I am enjoying it…its a lovely feeling..

what are you scared of.?.”

Mr. D : “facing the truth..the emotion..that is screwing up my head.”
Ms. C : “Darling, don’t be a loser..go for it..”
Mr. D : “This doesn’t assure me of the repercussions..”
Ms. C : “be an optimist..it will exactly be what you want it to be like..”

*Did you notice how Ms. C is trying to convince Mr. D? I couldn’t ..

Mr. D : “I was optimistic about it the last time, but i failed…”
Ms. C : “O C’mon.. it was different last time..”
Mr. D : “how was it just different..?it was exactly the same..and i lost it all..”

Oopssss……

know what?? the cell rang..

“the smile on your face, lets me know that you need me…$#@%*”
crapppp…

The dream..

There goes a dream which shone up the darkness that lived through the eyes of a “kiddish” yet matured; “lackadaisical” yet enthusiastic; “gloomy” yet euphoric; “indifferent” yet considerate; “usual” yet spectacular girl…

Ever since she landed on the planet, there hadn’t been a single dream in life, that made her so feel so jubilant, though it wasn’t so normal the case. Had it been someone happy and content the person would have rather got depressed about such a dream. . .

“Life fools people to the greatest extent;
Ending up create actually nothing out of them;
NOTHING out of them;
Still we face it with full endeavor, is that a hope?
 I wonder will I ever understand its purpose,
Or it will always gonna be just a hope,
Just a hope…”

The dream. . .

She saw herself getting away from life… Something was trying to pull her towards itself…
she dint know what it is but it seemed something really magical. She wanted to go towards it, it gave her an exceptional sense of satisfaction. She knew she was losing all of it that she made up for herself in all those years..but she still wanted to go for it..there was something so pure, serene and calm about it which she was experiencing..she wanted to be mean..real mean person which she had never been like; utterly unlike her..
She actually saw herself dying.. and that was the reality faced in her dream which probably would have lasted for about some minutes giving her a great sense of satisfaction..

As the dream gradually faded out, n she came back to earth, it was very uneasy and tough for her to face the reality. But it was all done away within just too less of time. And she was back, BACK to herself..the same girl who though detested being there..but somewhere inside loved herself. Where she kept more than 70 percent love for all the people existed in her life; she had a little less than 30 percent for herself too.. and once again she started up with all the efforts to make lives better on earth..and that’s what life is…

At the end of it discovering that this kiddish, lackadaisical, gloomy, indifferent and usual girl was no one but MEE.. YES, that was absolutely MEEE…

Bankruptcy of Confidence..

“yeh dil hai kuch pareshaa,kaise kare is uljhan ka bayaan;
kai dino se dil ghabrata hai,kuch bhi kehne se darr sa jata hai;
sochta hai kaisa lagta hoga-
jab aasma ka wo ik tara toot jata hoga;
ya raah mein chalte-chalte ik raahgir bhatak jata hoga;
ya ik khiwaiya lahro ki disha ko samajh na pata hoga;
ya us sangeet k mukhde ka ik bol mil na pata hoga;
ya wo dhaga toot k us mala k motiyo ko bikhra deta hoga..
lagta hai jaise sab kuch khatm sa hai;
us ik chhan k liye dil taras jata sa hai;
duaan ab ek hi hai upar wale se;
chhin na lena is mann ka chain is bure naseeb wale se;
anjane mein hi na mujhse koi aisi bhul ho jaye;
ki meri jindagi khud-b-khub mujhse hi ruth jaye..”

Inevitable Changes..

Sitting outside in the chilly cold two years back wasn’t the same as it is today. It felt like having a jacket on, but now either it doesn’t make a difference putting it on or it dust even feel like putting it on. I was seldom astonished when in those days I read such unrealistic statements but today I am feeling the same and its ridiculous I guess, not this but the situation.

Staring at the tiny tear in my eye that is just about to make its way towards the cheeks and pondering over what life is and what are we to put in and get back from it proves out to be useless. Because every time the answer I get is just as different as the visible multifariousness of flora we know of in this world. The latest answer that I got was life is nothing but a horrible little gale in the midst of forced death much towards hell..
I have always laughed my heart out even without a reason, cried feeling happy about things, wondered over things that I fantasized, felt high even without getting drunk, striving to achieve I always wanted..

Today nothing seems to be the same even when it might be.. I do laugh, but only to make myself feel better, cry, not for things m happy about because but over the situation I face daily, wonder but only wanting to know how I could ever get rid of my fears, never feel high even if I am drunk, striving but just to get over the situation I have fallen in.

I try it everyday, every hour, every minute, every second and every jiffy but only outcome I get is just another question “why is it so difficult getting over it?”. And so I believe I am getting what I invested into life as no one gets more than the invested. While I ever think of it, a self-made quote comes into my mind and I repeat that within myself and it makes me feel better about my life.

“why do we run after money?
not enjoying lives that taste like honey..
neva wanna give it a thought quite often
there are no pockets in a coffin..”

Well, not only money, but anything that will ultimately not going to be ours.
This is for a person whom I could never convey how I felt being with him, but only with the hope of this getting conveyed I took pains to put my heart out and thank him for the beautiful moments he added as the longest chapter in my life today, taught me to deal with uncertainties and life and for his presence even when since last two months he’s not there..

Here it goes fully dedicated to him…

“there is no way to measure what you were worth,
I was luckiest girl on the face of the earth..